Documents 5 and 6

5. Co-operative power

Responding to resistance from others

When faced with a statement that has potential to create conflict, ask open questions to reframe resistance. Explore the difficulties and then re-direct discussion to focus on positive possibilities.

Explore - Clarify details

It's too expensive.	Compared to what?
Too many/much/little/few.	Compared to what?
I want the best.	What would be best for you?

Find options

You can't do that around here.	What would happen if we did?
He (she) would never...	How can we find ways for it to happen?
They always...	Are there any times they don't?
We've tried that already.	What was the outcome?
This is the only way to do it	Yes, that's an option. What else could we consider?

Redirect - Move to the positive

It will never work.	What would it take to make it work?
I won't...	What would make you willing?
It's a failure.	How could it work?
It's disastrous.	What would make it better?
He's (she's) useless.	What is he (she) doing that is acceptable?
It's impossible.	What would it take to make it possible?
I can't.	You can't see a way to do it at the moment?
I don't want to.	What would you like?

Go back to legitimate needs and concerns

He's (she's) a hopeless case!	It's hard to see how to work with him (her)?
You fool (and other insults)!	What do we need to do to sort this out?
How dare you do such a thing!	What do you dislike about it?
It should be done my way.	What makes that seem the best option?
His/her place is a pig's sty!	He/she puts a different emphasis on tidiness to you?
He/she doesn't do their fair share.	Where do you think his/her priorities may lie?

6. Managing emotions

Handling yourself

•   5 Questions + 5 Goals

•   Don't indulge

•   Don't deny

•   Create richer relationships

Print out the questionnaire below to complete the following:

Five questions

when angry/hurt/frightened

Why am I feeling so angry/hurt/frightened?

What do I want to change?

What do I need in order to let go of this feeling?

Whose problem is this, really? How much is mine? How much is theirs?

What is the unspoken message I infer from the situation? (e.g. they don't like me, they don't respect me.)

Five goals

in communicating emotions

Aim to avoid the desire to punish or blame. Action?

Aim to improve the situation. Action?

Aim to communicate your feelings appropriately. Action?

Aim to improve the relationship and increase communication. Action?

Aim to avoid repeating the same situation. Action?

If communication is not appropriate, what other action can I take?

Managing emotions - part 2

Handling others

People's behaviour occurs for a purpose. They are looking for ways to belong, feel significant, and self-protect. When people perceive a threat for their self-esteem, a downward spiral can begin. People can be led into obstructive behaviours in the faulty belief that this will gain them a place of belonging and significance. How we respond to their difficult behaviours can determine how entrenched these become.

The secret is to break out of the spiral by supporting their real needs without supporting their destructive faulty beliefs, and alienating patterns of reaction.

Difficult Behaviour (and the Faulty Belief Behind It)	The Downward Spiral	Better Alternatives
Seeking Attention ("I only belong when I am being noticed."),	You feel annoyed and react by coaxing. They stop briefly, and then resume behaviour and demands,, perhaps in a new way.	Avoid undue attention. Give attention for positive behaviour especially when they are not making a bid for it. Support their real contribution and involvement.
Power Plays("I only belong when I am in control, when no-one can boss me!").	You feel provoked or threatened and react by fighting or giving in. Their aggression is intensified or they comply defiantly.	Disengage from the struggle. Help them to use power constructively by enlisting co-operation. Support their self-worth and autonomy.
Seeking Revenge ("I am significant only if I make others feel hurt like I do.")	You feel hurt by them, and retaliate. They seek further revenge more strongly or with another weapon.	Convince them that you respect their needs. Build trusting relationships. Support their need for justice and fairness.
Appear Inadequate ("I won't be hurt any more, only if I can convince others not to expect much from me.")	You give up, overwhelmed. They respond passively, show no improvement, and stay "victim".	Encourage any positive attempt, no matter how small. Focus on assets. Provide bite-sized learning experiences they can succeed at. Support how they feel as a starting place for self-improvement.

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